september check in

I was looking through my new year’s resolutions for this year (you know the ones that you forget that you declared) to look for progress. Here’s what I’ve found:

- take a real good look at myself and the people i choose to keep in my life, make some changes. -okay this one makes me laugh because this purging of people in my life has actually been done for me. Thank you forces of nature? or whatever did this… CHECK!

- stop dwelling (on anything and everything) - this one and the next one kind of go together i think and i think i’m doing a damn good job. Go ME!

- shake it off

- smile lots, but not too much, I don’t want premature wrinkling -uh huh, i’ve also learned to be more accepting of compliments. double whammy! CHECK

- lie about my age (no one believes my real age anyway) -ok i’ve tried this but i kind of suck at lying, but i just shut my mouth and blend in with the youngins in my classes. i think it works

- focus -hmm this is on-going… i need some more work

- make a plan to not make plans (kind of like how I usually like to make one of my resolutions not to make resolutions) -been doing pretty good at this. oh i don’t have plans, people ask if i wanna do something…oh yes, look my schedule is clear! this doesn’t count my plan to make sunday time with my best friends though -that is necessary

- new experiences, have some -yay new experiences (my summer job, my current job, new organizations at school) boom boom boom, CHECK

- look for the good -this has been difficult in some situations

- expect the expected (i’m always fucking right) -haha umm i still don’t listen to myself or friends discouragement from certain things/people. ahh i’ll try harder

- trust my gut (again, always right) -my gut tells me to do and say all kinds of dumb shit. 

- keep in touch -hmm pretty good at this

- dance -is it odd that i don’t think i’ve danced at all? whoa oopsy

- be painfully honest, say what’s on my mind, no more holding it back or in -yes! go me! CHECK

Despite any failures or not quites on my resolution list, I am damn proud of myself so far this year. Trying new things, learning a ton, making connections, keeping in touch with the family and friends, honesty, smiling, shaking it off, keeping busy, snagged two jobs (one mostly for experience, the other for more money)…all that and this year is almost over. I still have a ton left to do, but now there is homework, pleasure reading and work.

and sometimes running is the best you can do

Meh, maybe I’m not completely scared of an adult relationship… it just depends on the kind we are talking about. I’m not interested in your idea of an adult relationship – that’s crazy talk. And from now on, I have realized that I really need to go with my gut… if I feel like running away, maybe I should. I have been learning so much about my intuition, I really need to listen to me more. There is nothing wrong with wanting to run… it’s that flight, that’s what I’m learning how to do anyway right? Fly? Flying is what I want.

You want butterflies, I want weightlessness, I don’t want to feel smothered and bogged down by a guy. Actually I want the opposite (in the beginning at least) I want to wonder at every turn if you’re interested and I want to pursue just as much as I want to be pursued. And that’s why I act like such an a-hole most of the time. I’m the girl that enjoys the chase. I mean, at some point I’d like to know that I’m yours and you’re mine…but I’m not worried about that right now. I’m busy. I’m moving. I’m in flight.

I’ve been moving in so slow

I can feel myself resisting, pushing…

I believe this is a big reason why it has been so difficult for me to hold down an adult relationship, that and the fact that I am sort of immature. I get cold feet, I want to run away, I hide. I’m actively trying not to at this moment, really I am. I want to run with this, with you. I’d like to have an adult relationship (i think?), but I’m scared…literally scared. to. death. Ah! make it stop. And if I’m not running I’m pushing. Not physically pushing but mentally, emotionally, psychologically. I purposely say or do things to push. WHY?! what’s wrong with me? Please hang in there. I feel like I have no control of my flight, so I need someone to be there, be a rock, don’t give up. Because I WILL. I’ve given up before over trivial things, I’m working on this.

I find it amazing that I have the ability to commit to an education, a job, a lease, a 2-yr phone contract, veganism, etc but the thought of committing to a RELATIONSHIP, or LOVE scares the beejesus out of me. I have to tie myself to this spot to keep me from running away. I want to try this.

Along with this, I think of my sabotage of so many relationships and opportunities. I’d like to think that somehow we can both be blamed for the demise of our bond. You and me. But hell, I don’t know anymore.

veganize me

More great reads and recipes to keep me on track =)

what would you ask the wizard of oz for?

I’d ask for COURAGE.

The ability to do something that frightens you. I freeze up just thinking about it.

There have been plenty of times that I’ve done things that scare the beejeezus out of me, but there are some things that I just CAN’T do. I go over the scenario in my head and it feels right, then suddenly, when I’m standing in the place where I have to act – nothing happens. NOTHING. I freak out, sissy out, punk out, however you want to put it – I don’t go for it. Sometimes the situation seems so perfect, like nothing could go wrong (and my plan would probably go over with NO problems). For some reason I can’t look at that, I can see myself at the finish line but I can’t do the required steps to get me there!

Let’s look at what’s holding me back -

Rejection. The biggest reason. I can’t take rejection. I know that there are situations where I need to be proactive – nobody ever got anything they wanted by sitting around and WAITING for it to happen. You have to DO something and I know this better than anyone. Some situations are more difficult to act on… where’s my courage??! Get it together, Lorrin!! Man up! Quit being a sissy! These are things I tell myself but they don’t stick (apparently!).

BALLS, I wish there really was a place I could go and ask for courage. And see, I’d have the courage to ASK for courage! So, don’t I already have it? Where is it hiding when I need it? Because I feel like I shrink up into a little ball and let life/opportunities pass me by sometimes… but only in regards to relationships. So, maybe I’m just not ready…or scared..and by maybe I mean really, I am.

The Great Cheese Purge 2011

I’ve been a vegetarian now for almost 6 years and I’ve tried going vegan many times, I even attempted a raw diet once. I have finally decided the future course of my diet and it is vegan. The thing I have really been struggling with is cheese and chocolate. For the past two years, while desperately wanting to be completely vegan, I couldn’t cut cheese and chocolate out of  my diet. I’ve gotten rid of eggs and milk, but cheese is a very addicting food.

I came to this decision after a night out with friends where I ate copious amounts of pizza and cheese, cheese, cheese. The next morning I had a headache, which I tried to quickly dismiss with aspirin. Hours later, I still had the nagging ache, so I took more aspirin and tried to sleep it off. When I awoke an hour later, it had progressed far beyond a small nagging ache. I knew I had a migraine and as I tore apart my house in search of migraine medicine, I winced in pain. I couldn’t find my migraine medicine and was frantic to rid myself of the excruciating pain, I settled for some premenstrual pills (which if you didn’t know, have pretty identical ingredients to migraine pills). I passed out for a few hours and woke up feeling drained but the ache in my head had subsided.

So, I’ve been reading Skinny Bitch by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin. In Skinny Bitch, I’ve been learning about all the foods that are bad for you. Dairy is a big one. Did you know that some people’s migraines are triggered by dairy? That day has had me running scared from dairy ever since. I’m closing that door and not looking back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to be so hard, especially when the majority of people I rely on for support aren’t even vegetarians! So I have my army of books and recipes (and fruits & veggies!).

Saying no to dairy, once and for all, and can’t wait for my skin to start glowing!

(Also in my arsenal of books: Erik Marcus’ “Meat Market” & “The Ultimate Vegan Guide”)

you look so good in blue

So, history would tell me that blue eyes mean bad news. I mean really, the last couple (ok so it’s like 5) guys had blue eyes and broke my little heart. It’s not like I search them out. I’m starting to think that their recessive mutant eye genes are communicating to all the other blue eyed freaks in some kind of conspiracy to annihilate me. Ok, now I sound like my ex-boyfriend…everything’s a conspiracy. And really just when I thought I didn’t have a “type”…I guess ocean eyes is it.

Eff i’m totally effed.

today is the (insert adjective here) day ever

Today, I join countless singles who are singled (haha) out on this particular holiday: Valentine’s Day. Usually, I would’ve just gone throughout my day not paying any attention to it’s romantic connotations. This Valentine’s Day  would be different, yeah. One of my co-workers had asked what me and my special someone had planned for tonight. Well, considering even IF I had a special someone to spend Valentine’s Day with, we’d probably be doing my homework, studying for midterms, eating some food and possibly watching a movie before I passed out at around 4pm so I could go to work at midnight. OR it’s a pretty nice day out so maybe after my classes we’d take a walk or go to a nearby state park, is the snow packable yet? because then we could make a snowman. OR we would just hang out and jam to music and forget this stupid day ever existed. Oh yeah, maybe that.

It’s not that I hate Valentine’s Day, ok I hate it. I’m not even sure how I would feel about this day if I did have someone to share it with. I would guess that we probably wouldn’t even know that it was happening and just carry on with our lives, showing each other each and every day how much we mean to each other by just being. It’s not that I don’t like romance, OF COURSE I DO, just not planned out romance. I feel like if you are going to be romantic and spontaneous, you should probably pick ANY day but Valentine’s Day. Let’s make our OWN Valentine’s Day- you know, the kind that doesn’t happen on February 14th EVERY SINGLE YEAR. Maybe one year we’d celebrate on March 3rd and the next year it’d be June 26th. Now that, is my idea of spontaneous. Who gives a damn about a corporate hallmark holiday geared towards making money?

Obviously the poor single girl doesn’t…

Think I’m bitter? Well maybe I am.

who knew?

Yes, this is (kind of) in response to Pink’s song. I heard the song last night on my way to work and started thinking about all the things in my life that I thought were steady and now they are gone.

I woke up last night from a ridiculous dream. I’ll spare you the details and just say that my reading selections, tv watching and work may have had a major influence on this dream. I walked downstairs and the first thing I see on the kitchen table is a bouquet of flowers. No, they weren’t for me. Then, I realized ‘Oh, crap it’s almost Valentine’s Day.” This is a “holiday” that I may or may not have loathed from time to time all through my life. Really, it is a rather stupid “holiday,” but I’ve also never really been a part of it. Anyway, blahdee blah blah, I start reflecting, which is not always a bad thing. I found a trend in my “love” life. Well, I hate these type of trends, but now I can learn (i hope!) from them…

If someone had told me three years ago that you’d be long gone…I would not have believed it. Someone told me last summer that I’d have to make a huge decision…I underestimated this decision’s impact on my life and (some) of the people (no longer) in it. I didn’t need someone to tell me that I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, but now I’m struggling with how to kick the habit, for good.

Is this some self-fulfilling prophecy? Do things have a way of working themselves out? (Like, everything’s all right in the end) Is everything alright? Am I alright? What do I want?

These are just some of the questions I contemplate… arrgggghh.

career exploration

My Pathways to Research class this semester is really getting me to think about my future and what I want. Yesterday, we had to research possible careers we would want. We had to narrow it down to only three. Yeah, three potential jobs you would want out of the bazillion possibilities. As I explored, I realized that I may not be in the right major. Not that Biology isn’t the right major but maybe I should be concentrating on something more specific…or maybe I am meant to double major. Yes, I said it…DOUBLE MAJOR. The sound of it always terrified me – it sounds like you’d be in school for a lifetime. Really though, the more I think about it the more it makes complete sense. If I am interested in being a Conservation Scientist or an Environmental Research Analyst (just some of the careers I explored), I need to be majoring in Environmental Science, but at the same time Biology courses really complement Environmental ones.

So, I’m going to do it. I’m going to double major in Environmental Science and Biology because it seems to cover the majority of my interests and would make me extremely employable someday.

Yay! I feel like Van Wilder – except with (lots) less partying.