I can feel myself resisting, pushing…

I believe this is a big reason why it has been so difficult for me to hold down an adult relationship, that and the fact that I am sort of immature. I get cold feet, I want to run away, I hide. I’m actively trying not to at this moment, really I am. I want to run with this, with you. I’d like to have an adult relationship (i think?), but I’m scared…literally scared. to. death. Ah! make it stop. And if I’m not running I’m pushing. Not physically pushing but mentally, emotionally, psychologically. I purposely say or do things to push. WHY?! what’s wrong with me? Please hang in there. I feel like I have no control of my flight, so I need someone to be there, be a rock, don’t give up. Because I WILL. I’ve given up before over trivial things, I’m working on this.

I find it amazing that I have the ability to commit to an education, a job, a lease, a 2-yr phone contract, veganism, etc but the thought of committing to a RELATIONSHIP, or LOVE scares the beejesus out of me. I have to tie myself to this spot to keep me from running away. I want to try this.

Along with this, I think of my sabotage of so many relationships and opportunities. I’d like to think that somehow we can both be blamed for the demise of our bond. You and me. But hell, I don’t know anymore.

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